I faked an abortion last night.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
