If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
