somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
