We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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