So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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