So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
