theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
