Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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