I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
