So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
