I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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