i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I wish there were birth control emojis
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
