matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
