i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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