Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
