Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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