so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
