2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
