and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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