Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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