my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize