I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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