I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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