You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
