Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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