Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I'm always down for nudity.
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