i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
