I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
