I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
