Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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