i may or may not be watching the land before time
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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