it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
