I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
