I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
