My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
