Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
