i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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