when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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