First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
