I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Can you bring me the toilet please
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
