this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize