i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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