i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
