Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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