there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
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