I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
