I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
