I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
