Midget sex pt 2 tonight
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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