I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I checked into jail on foursquare
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
