I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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