only you would photoshop your dick
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
