Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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