my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
