I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
