She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
