I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
