My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
