she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
