i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Too much gin, very little bucket
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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