I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
