I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
i just sent this text using only my big toe
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
