I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
