Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
