I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
