Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
