haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
are you so shy because you have an std?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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